I quit blogging...

Hello saints, yes. You read right. I almost stopped blogging and the reason might shock you hehe.

Well, things got hard, my relationship with God got rocky at different points and sometimes I would wonder why God didn’t give me things I thought I needed, emphasis on ‘thought’ and I was mad at Dad. I didn’t even know I was mad, I just gradually stopped asking Dad for stuff and I would always cover up either by saying I don’t need something or it is not for me or maybe it is not the best for me without actually understanding why it was so. Not to mention jabs from our adversary saying things like ‘You’re still asking? You think He will give you?’ and I ended up piling feelings of disappointment towards Father for about 4 months.

I remember this blogpost where I said If I needed something, God would provide it. In that post, I mentioned needing a bag and shoes for school and I got the bag because I needed one but I didn’t get the shoes yet because I didn’t need them at the time. I already had.

But trust our adversary to tell me ‘See, He didn’t get you shoes’ ensuring I capitalized on the one thing I didn’t have yet and I allowed him to influence me which made it easy for me to feel disappointed. Although, I was grateful for the bag He got me, it was the shoe I did not have I wanted (hehe, typical human). What’s funny is that when I was given the bag, I absolutely did not want it because it was not what I had in mind. But trust Father to provide what we need, because that’s exactly what the bag turned out to be. The bag I wanted would not have been able to carry my laptop which is essential for school this semester. Seeing now that I wanted was foolish compared to what I got and I’m very glad that I didn’t get what I wanted because I would be the same person to complain and na me for dey cry; okay, story time over. I didn’t realize I was unhappy with Dad until my sweetheart pointed it out to me while I was was narrating how it had been for me and she asked me, ‘do you think you are holding anything against God, maybe because of an unanswered prayer?’ and it dawned on me then that I had a pile of  unresolved feelings of disappointment toward God heaped up and staring at me. I noticed it was similar to the disappointment I felt as a child when I would ask for things and not get them probably due to financial constraints and whatnot, but little me was of little understanding and thought they (my parents, mostly my dad) just didn’t give me what I wanted especially after he had promised to and little me got accustomed to it and as a result I stopped asking because I didn’t expect to receive anything and same was happening in my relationship with God. Until He stepped in gradually and helped me see that I had lost sight of Him as a Father, MY Father and because I saw Him as God alone, and not my Father; the father and son dynamic we had, got affected and because of this I was unable to relate with Him personally as I used to.

I began to think to myself, why write blogposts if I would say stuff and Dad would not back me up with actions. I mentioned two items in the post, shoes and a bag, I had already gotten the bag and the shoe is on its way (the Lord fulfills His promises). I figured that the reason I wanted it so bad was not because I needed it but because others had, and that was not the point nor was it what Dad wanted for me. You know that thing where we want to feel among and not left behind, wanting to have what others have, forgetting that everybody has a different path than yours, different times and different seasons, and forgetting that maybe what is good for this person right now may not be what is best for you. All of that, I paid no attention to, I just wanted to have what I wanted; shoes.

Our adversary leveraged this to say things like ‘after saying God would provide for you, He didn’t, He let you down, do you really want to keep on posting while He is letting you down’ (oh naïve Smith of little faith) I allowed myself to be beaten down by his words and the thoughts that he brought to my mind. I didn’t even have the boldness to say anything I was defeated, but not utterly.

Amongst other things, this was a major reason I was going to stop blogging. I didn’t have the fire I once had; hence, my inconsistency. I think it's important to mention that it is not all rainbows and sunshine for people that work for and walk with God because they go through life too. Everybody hopes to be at the top of their game and be on fire but sometimes life can douse your fire. But we thank God for his mercy as he always picks us back up and gets us back on track like He did for me and I am very grateful. As I was saying, Dad taught me something that I hope never to forget again and it helped me to reinforce my trust in Him. I still feel like it is hard for me to ask Him for what I need and He’s patiently walking me through it because sometimes, when I ask for things, I usually want to get exactly what I ask for when I think it's best, but it doesn't work that way, I genuinely do not know what qualifies as 'best' nor when is 'best' for me. Also, not all things are in His will for me but His will for me is GOOD. That is something I want us to know, and have it sink into our spirits; remember Psalm 84:11.

Now let me tell you what He told me. He said he is our Father and we are His children (sons and daughters) and He put me in the shoes of a parent, and said I would not give my children everything they asked for, particularly something I know would be bad for them in the long run, although when I deny my child of that particular thing, he/she will be disgruntled and doubt my love and care for him/her, they may even throw tantrums and when you communicate that you are doing what is best for them, they will not get it. Why? Because they are CHILDREN. This same logic applies to us as children of God when we wonder why God hasn’t given us that thing that we're asking for.

However, as mature children of God what we should try to do is to be much more understanding of our heavenly Father and trust in who He says He is. I lost sight of that and I pray for anyone reading this that you don’t lose sight of God’s trustworthiness, His love for you and the truth that He wants the best for you. So, if you’ve asked and do not receive after you have combined faith, works and you have also complied with James 4:2-3 (yes this seems like a long list of prerequisites but they're very vital). Then you probably do not need it. So, I ask you to trust in God like I am LEARNING to do.

So, no! I have not stopped blogging because God intervened, He came through and I am grateful.

I thank God for the grace to write this because it was not easy. I have had it on my heart to write for days now but I didn’t know how to start and even asked God if I was cut out for this writing thing at all. Ah well, chronicles of a child doubting what God has called him to do hehe. That’s one for the new year my people and get ready for better because Dad is cooking something.

I love you and thank you for reading.