To Growth 🥂

Date: 7th November 2023.

While listening to a song,  a memory of where I was a year ago was triggered...

There I was, fresh off a breakup I caused, and as a result of that and some other reasons (I won't say yet), I was so broken and confused. The only thing that held me together was God, His word and every song lyric that reminded me that i was loved  by God, that i was more than my mistakes and my past, even the words of those who encouraged me during that period (I highly appreciate you guys😉). For a period that felt like a lifetime, I was frantically searching for God because something in me knew He was the exact thing I was missing, His absence in my life was directly proportional to the actions I took that led to my breakup, and that His presence would usher in a whole new me that would be the polar opposite of who I used to be. From that point on, God helped me seek Him and His word began to shape my life. Though I was on edge, He kept me from falling, and the longer I walked with Him, the farther I was from the edge.

The gospel saved me and consequently, I want everyone saved just like God does 2 Peter 3:9. Although I can't save everyone, there's been this burden in my heart to try to help to as many as I possibly can. This paved the way for me to share what gave me life with everyone (hence, this blog), but I think I might have come off strong without noticing and gradually I became overly critical and borderline judgmental because I wanted people to 'get it right'. I wanted to fix everything, correct everyone (a failing attempt to attain perfection... ps. nobody except Jesus is perfect we don't even come anywhere close). In retrospect, this was unfair of me as each person has a different journey, even I and I should not have tried to play God.

As a result, reduced talking to people because I feared I would keep nitpicking at their mistakes, seem judgmental and then eventually, I'll chase them away, and I didn't know what to do.

Helping people, I realized, is something cannot be done without GRACE; a lot of it, and I didn't know how to give it mostly because never gave myself any, and consequently I extended same toward others.

In correcting this; Dad taught me to cut myself some slack. I didn't need to be so hard on myself.

One day I talked to my friend about something I was struggling with and his response to my struggle was so refreshing it felt like I was talking to Jesus. There was no hint of condemnation and grace he poured on me was disarming. He's the kind of person you would feel comfortable going to when you mess up. On my way home that day I wondered how he did it and wondered if I could too. I knew the Holy Spirit allowed me experience to it so that I could have a glimpse of what I could be like and I'm not gonna lie, it was beautiful.

The Holy Spirit showed me I was trying to do His job; I can't change hearts, I can only point people to a path, and then they decide whether or not they want to go. If they choose to, I'll love them. If they don't, I'll still love them even more; that's how it should be (ps. love is NOT affirming people in their sin). I have struggled with loving people through a mistake they are making. And who says the path I direct them to is always what's best for them?

On my way home that day, I was complaining about myself to Father and I said, 'Dad, I want to be able to be truthful and have grace why do i have to be like this? truth without grace kills...'

He made me aware of and helped me confess my state to Him which in turn allowed Him to teach me to love also( this is a literal Psalm 139: 22-24 moment 'holy gotcha'😂). We can always trust Him to change our hearts He has been doing that since the inception of time. Someone once said Jesus' greatest miracle was not turning water into wine, it was completely transforming hearts. Apostle Paul is a great case study for this miracle. You and I as adopted sons and daughters are also partakers of the transformative power of God, Hallelujah!

To everyone I've been overly critical of, I am sorry that my inability to love and give grace like I was commanded to might have pushed you away from me. I miss our relationship, and I will, with the Holy Spirit's help, work on being more loving and graceful.

The change won't happen immediately, but this is a start. If you're struggling too, you're welcome to join me on this journey with the Holy Spirit 💕

Arigato🥂